Inspired by Obama’s passionate love for AIG and the influx of hundreds of billions of newly-created dollars into our economy, I have decided to offer the public my very own stimulus package. Such generosity cannot be born alone. We all must make sacrifices and help everyone who is suffering from these tough economic times. It is not just the filthy-rich-Wharton-MBA-catered-lunch-bad-business-decision-making corporate titans that need our money, it’s also the little guy that lost his job. Mom and pop who just had to hang the “closed” sign permanently on their cute, old-fashioned stationary store. So here is my offer to the United States of America:
Step 1: I am piling all the crap I don’t want anymore into a box. Potentially multiple boxes (depending on the size of the box)(No, I will not cut a hole in the box).
Step 2: I am going to give this box (or boxes) away.
Yes, that’s right. I am just going to give it away. I have been blessed to keep my job, so I don’t feel the need to profit off this extraordinarily generous offer. Potentially BILLIONS of dollars of goods are being simply given away by me. The lucky person (or persons) who receive this stimulus package will be able to do whatever they want with everything in the box (or boxes). Keep it, eat it, store it, throw it at Obama, throw it at Bush, or even SELL IT. Yes that’s right, sell it. America was built on the little guy’s wife making aprons and the little guy selling them in the street for a profit. The beauty of my stimulus package is that the woman is not enslaved to making aprons. I’m giving them to you for FREE!!! (legal notice: no promise of aprons being in the box is made) You can choose to sell the box as a whole for some obscenely high price, or you can break it apart just like a Wall Street M&A mogul and sell off the pieces to make even more! The sky is your oyster when it comes to my stimulus package.
I know what you might be thinking, but no, you have to be dead before you can be deemed a saint. Good luck America. I will do my part. I just hope everyone else will follow my lead.
Special Addendum: I am pleased to hear that my economic stimulus package has sparked others to do the same. However, I am getting reports of difficulty with Step 2. Allow me to offer a few tips that may help make this a bit easier:
1. Carry box with you to a street corner. Look for a car that was made prior to 1993 (most cars built after this year have doors that automatically lock once in the car). When such a car comes to a stop, open the passenger side or back seat door (for more details see Grand Theft Auto IV), then throw the box into the car. Shut the door and run away. If you hear loud honking, that’s just their way of saying “Thanks fellow American!”
2. Dress up like a Publix employee. Bring the box to Publix and place it underneath the bags at a cashier’s lane. When you start bagging someone’s groceries, first place the box in the cart, then place the groceries on top of the box. Just imagine how thrilled they will be about your economic stimulus package when they get home! Go get ‘em Joe America!
3. Next time your mailman comes around, bring the box down with you to greet him. Give him a hug and thank him profusely for serving our country. When he goes to the mailbox flustered, place the box inside the mail truck. Be sure you have taped the box up with USPS-approved masking tape and write “Anybody” in Sharpie on the top. Who knows who will get the package. Lucky bastard.